I've been anticipating this moment all year, when I can get jiggy with a demon goat and sacrifice my children to the Lord of Darkness, driven by the bewitched Halloween candy I consume.
According to this eminently believable article, the author warns us:
"During this [Halloween] period demons are assigned against those who participate in the rituals and festivities. These demons are automatically drawn to the fetishes that open doors for them to come into the lives of human beings. For example, most of the candy sold during this season has been dedicated and prayed over by witches.
I do not buy candy during the Halloween season. Curses are sent through the tricks and treats of the innocent whether they get it by going door to door or by purchasing it from the local grocery store. The demons cannot tell the difference."
My friend Shannon reports that she observed a coven of witches encircling the candy display at Costco this past weekend - it all makes sense now.
I did buy several bags of Halloween candy this week. Mostly because the demons in the first bag I bought spirited me into mindlessly devouring the contents within days - obviously Twix Cookie Bars are an element of Satan.
I was smarter the second time - I opened the bags outside while reciting the Lord's Prayer and emptied the candy into a brown paper bag and the demons into the sand box. Lord help that stray cat next time he takes a dump in there. Two birds, one stone, eh?
Oh and I know you thought you were taking the kids out dressed as Spiderman and a Tinkerbell to gather a little sugary loot, make wonderful family memories, and enjoy fun annual traditions like candy apples, visiting the pumpkin patch, and making jack-o-lanterns, but whether you've realized it or not, you are actually training your children to worship Satan. Specifically, you are teaching them to engage in the following activities:
"~ Sex with demons
~ Orgies between animals and humans
~ Animal and human sacrifices
~ Sacrificing babies to shed innocent blood
~ Rape and molestation of adults, children and babies
~ Revel nights
~ Conjuring of demons and casting of spells
~ Release of "time-released" curses against the innocent and the ignorant.
~ ...necromancy, or communication with the dead. "
I know, it didn't seem so dark when you were digging through your kid's candy bags for the last Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, but I and author Kimberly Daniels can assure you otherwise.
Further, football fans, candy or no candy, you are totally out of luck. You bought a one way ticket to hell when you attended those occult Homecoming pep rallies:
"Gathering around bonfires is a common practice in pagan worship. As I remember, the bonfires that I attended during homecoming week when I was in high school were always in the fall. I am amazed at how we ignorantly participate in pagan, occult rituals."
So dear readers, enjoy your Milky Way snack bars and your Peanut M&Ms, and your mini Twizzlers while you can, oh and those pumpkin shaped Reese's are divine, aren't they? But remember the time will come to pay the piper and he wants more than your candy apples. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. I don't think USPS forwards mail to H-E-double hockey sticks, but it doesn't hurt to ask.
I must now go and prepare the altar.
P.S. See also Stuff Fundies Like for more on the subject. Eeek!